i do it every time

i'm doing it again. everytime i get something good going for me its like i make a conscious decision to fuck myself over and ruin every chance of things working out. as i write this now, i'm doing it. when i decide not to go to school today its going to be because i've already convinced myself that i've made too many mistakes and i can't fix it. that might not be true, theres a chance i could salvage it. but guess what, i suck.

strange sensation

today i got a haircut, nothing fancy. about an hour later i grabbed my book (still on Problem of Pain) and went across the street to the coffee shop. i walk in and immediately every one in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at me. not just a quick glance but a full on stare, and this place was full too, probably 30 people. i kinda shocked back for a second and then pretended it wasnt happening, ordered my coffee and sat down to read. it was very weird, i read for about a minute before conversations resumed throughout the room. i mentally checked myself out to make sure i didn't have some horrific problem that would warrant such a reaction, but i was clean. very weird.

my past couple of days have been great. i've got a lot accomplished. registered for class, did my taxes, job interview, payed for classes (out of money again by the way), did insane amounts of yard work for my parents, and did my laundry. i like being busy. unfortunately now that all that is done, and school doesn't start until monday... i am bored. work doesn't help either. they still refuse to give me more shifts even though i've given them my new school schedule which is much easier to work around. i really hope this other job pans out.

this is nothing new to me, but i am terrible with money. in the past 2 weeks, ive blown about 200 bucks that i really could've used for more productive things. i pretty much should never come into contact with money again, because if i think i have it, i will spend it, even if i know i am going to need it later.

on an ending note, i have been playing the song "Magazine" by Pedro the Lion in my head a lot recently. very good tune. i especially like the line "I can feel the darkness rising as you cram lies down my throat. how does that work out for you in your holy quest to be above reproach?"

thats it i guess

not giving up

so i started this blog a) expecting to have things to write about and b) possibly having people read it. so far i have only a couple of each, but that's no reason to throw in the towel.

last night i was thinking about something i think is worthy of blogging. alot of people have something or someone that they claim they love or believe in so much they "would die for". i think a much better display of devotion is who they would kill for. dying doesn't affect your morality, and you don't have to live with the consequences. it's really a cop out of your devotion as its a simple act, and really doesn't require a great deal of emotional maturity.

but KILLING? that is a much greater display of devotion. one basically puts his morality aside for a person or ideal. one would have to live with the immense emotional burden of having killed for the rest of their life. one would be forced to emotionally mature or emotionally shut down depending on strength of character.

dying for someone/something is a statement of their importance over you, but killing states that they are more important than you and everything you believe and everything that formed your belief system.

just something that crossed my mind

a zen question for the ages

"Given a relatively level playing field- i.e., water deep enough so that a Shark could maneuver proficiently, but shallow enough so that a Bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity- who would win in a fight between a Bear and a Shark?"

from Bear v. Shark, the Novel by Chris Bachelder

my vote is bear.

i guess i have a blog now.

i guess ive made a blog. maybe this is a really pretentious move, claiming my life is interesting enough to write about. i hope no one thinks i'm being egotistical by doing this.

the movie Eagle vs Shark has made my life infinitely better. i don't think a movie has ever made me happier.
Pedro the Lion never fails to make me feel like an idiot. i've met mr. bazan but i wish i could talk to him about how dumb we all are.
C.S. Lewis is proving as challenging as always. i have read Problem of Pain 3 times now and i am still learning things on my fourth run through.
my bike is kind of broken so i couldn't go for a midnight bike ride. i guess thats ok because i probably would have been hit by a car since its night time and i don't own any reflective garments.

it was a very quiet day for me today. maybe soon i will have a day that lives up to my (i think) clever title for my blog.

thank you if you read this.